Dear Dr. Beth
Dear Dr. Beth,
A couple months ago I had a falling out with a close friend of mine. It ended with us having a screaming match and insulting each other, and even though I knew both of us still cared about each other we still didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Now we can’t even look at each other. What should either of us have done to prevent such a bad ending to a good friendship?”
Dear Thank You for Being a Friend,
Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true and you’re a friend and a confidant. Ahh…Golden Girls. Such a classic! If there’s something Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia can teach us, it’s that our friendships can come in all shapes and sizes. And, even if our personality and beliefs are different from someone else, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
Like all relationships, friendships have their ups and downs. And, the reason we say such hurtful things to those closest to us is because we know they’ll still love us in the end. But that doesn’t mean those words don’t hurt. You both need some time and space right now to allow those fresh wounds to scab over. Ultimately, you need to talk about what happened, how you feel and what the future of your relationship looks like. After about two months, you will probably be ready for this conversation. Keep in mind it is good, open and calm communication that may have prevented a blow up in the first place.So what happens if there’s too much hurt to move past/heal? Not to sound crass, but it happens. Our friendships are always in flux…we are continually becoming closer to some, more distant with others and making and ending friendships as lives, schedules and needs change. Still, here’s to hoping you always have some form of a Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia in your life.
Dear Dr. Beth,
What’s the best way to cope when a guy breaks up with you but you still have feelings?
Dear Owner of a Lonely Heart,
Break-ups are an inevitable part of the process of finding a romantic match. However, this doesn’t make them any more pleasant. Fortunately, there are some things we can do (or not do) to make the process a bit less painful:
- Most importantly, delete any contact you have with them on social media. Otherwise, you’re going to continue to be hung up on what they are doing and who they are with, rather than focusing on healing yourself or allowing yourself to be open to new relationship potentials.
- Speaking of healing yourself, this is a perfect opportunity to either start working out, bump up your workout routine or try something new. Exercise not only makes us feel better about ourselves (“Look what that idiot is missing!”) but also releases endorphins and other feel-good chemicals which act as natural anti-depressants and are a great distraction.
- As much as alcohol and food might make us feel better, I promise they are only a temporary fix. The high we get from sugary or fatty foods is short-lived, and frankly, alcohol is depressant, so it is just adding to an already tumultuous situation.
- Although I’ve heard people say, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone,” these are rebounds or temporary patches rather than truly healing the source of the hurt and rarely turn into anything long-term.
- Lean on others. This is the perfect opportunity to hang out with friends. Our friends are the best distraction. But please know, if all do you is talk about the breaker-upper, their patience will eventually run thin. Instead, do something you all love, like watching a good comedy or taking a hike. Laughing and sunshine are other great endorphin releasers.
- Time–time is the best healer. Eventually, your hurt will fade. If you’re still feeling hung up on your ex, I suggest reaching out to the counseling center. It is a great free resource. Ultimately, just know you’re not alone.
Dear Dr. Beth,
I went on a couple dates with this girl off Tinder (movies, hanging out at the park, etc.) and I thought it was going alright. But recently she’s been ghosting me whenever I hit her up. She’s left me on read multiple times and I don’t know what to do. Help?
Dear Casper the Friendly Ghosted,
Although this probably won’t make you feel any better, it’s not just you. Ghosting has become increasingly common within our society. Rather than risk confrontation/conflict or having to face the reality of being the source of someone’s hurt feelings, people just turn to ghosting, hoping the ghosted person will get the hint they are no longer interested. My ultimate suggestion: walk away. I understand this is hard to do without having clear closure about why she was suddenly no longer interested in you. However, your continuing to reach out will not only appear pestering and desperate on her end but also you will continue to be hung up on her.
On another note, because people love “the chase,” it would not surprise me if she suddenly pops back up after you walk away. I repeat: WALK AWAY! Ghosting is not the sign of a mature individual or someone worth your time/effort. I guarantee if she’s ghosted you once, she’ll ghost you again.
Dear Dr. Beth,
My parents and I were as close as we could be when I was younger, but ever since I started college I haven’t been able to see them as much as I’d like and I’m afraid it’s hurting our relationship. I text them a couple times a week, but it’s not the same. How can I do better to stay in touch with them?
Dear Your Parents Are Cooler than You Think,
A parent/child relationship is incredibly complex. When we are born, we are dependent upon our parents to do everything for us but as we grow and develop we begin to test our independence. For many people, college is the first major parent/child separation and it is normal to not feel as close to your parents. You should still be thankful for parents who are confident enough in you that they have taken a step back to give you the freedom to explore who YOU are on YOUR own. It is not that you love each other any less -instead, look at this distance as a sign of how much they love and trust you. This isn’t easy on your parents either, but they are doing it out of love. Our parents realize they won’t always be around for us, so they are helping us become strong and independent people.
However, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t recognize how important our relationship with our parents is and try to stay in touch. Text messaging is quick and easy but not necessarily the most personal. Make time for an actual phone call, Skype session, etc. Even if you text them throughout the week, set up a day/time once a week to call and play catch up. I promise they’ll look forward to it. Even after you graduate, begin a career, start a family or any other of the plethora of things that can keep us incredibly busy and distracted, maintain this tradition. It is amazing how one phone call can become the glue that keeps a relationship strong and remind our parents that no matter how old we are, we still need them.